Breaking Out of the Fog

Have you ever driven on a foggy morning or night and thought to yourself, I wish I could just break through it and SEE again!

That's what life has been like the last two years for me. Some call it PPD, some baby blues, and others just a part of life with two young kids. 

Either way, I rebuke this fog over my life. 

It's been clouding my judgement and causing me not to be able to see where my life is going or how I'll make it to my next destination. 

I am finally coming out of that fog and it is like a breath of fresh air! As if I'm seeing the sunlight again for the first time in such a very long time. 

I am starting to enjoy life again. 

Now this doesn't mean I am out of the woods or that I won't ever become depressed again. But now that I know to recognize these things in my life I can better be prepared to handle them. 

I've always been a hermit in life, I'd rather stay home and read a book than go to a party or whatnot, but now I'm finally starting to get out more and do things and it's exhilarating. 

I've become confident taking two children to the store with me and not having extreme anxiety at the thought of it. 

What's the difference? I think it's a combination of time and God's unending love and grace. 

God didn't expect me to be ok or to act as I had previously. He just enveloped me into His embrace and loved me through it all. He waited on me to turn to Him and to accept His help. 

I think that's what gets me the most, asking for help. I've never been one to ask for help even when struggling in school. So I definitely wasn't going to ask for help for my mental health from anyone. 

But God, oh but God.

He waited so very patiently for me, my walls crumbled, I cried out and He listened. He helped, and He sent people to help me in the form of friends who took an interest and just asked, "How are you?" and prompting more than just an "I'm fine" and moving on. They saw through me and were able to have deep conversations that helped me on the path to healing. 

Extremely few knew the struggle I was going through. The mental toll. Even though some may have thought I was going through something, they dismissed it, because they didn't understand it. And since they didn't understand it, or the fact that I wasn't presenting it in the normal way, it didn't exist to them.

I don't blame them. Mental illness and depression is so taboo in our society. It's rarely understood. 

Mental health needs to be a priority in our lives. 

If you or someone you know is dealing with depression or mental illness, talk. 

It might not seem like much but having someone just listen, and not think that you're crazy, is one of the best therapies. If you need therapy, seek it. Take advantage of it. 

Above all, seek God and lay in His promises. He has a plan and a purpose for you. He will heal you, and you are loved.

The Hard Seasons....

There are moments in life when you look around and think to yourself, "Who have I become?". One minute you recognize that face in the mirror, the one who has it all together and grabs life by the horns and the next you don't even recognize the person staring back at you. 

Motherhood and life has changed me like that. 

I love my children with all of my heart and do not regret one moment of having them, bringing them into this life, or loving them. They are mine and I am theirs. 

But here I am, sitting here, wondering where in the world that woman who had it all together is. 

I know that mainly my troubles stem from neglecting my relationship with God. From there it's been a domino effect where everything else in my life, besides my children's well being, has been neglected. 

I'm not getting my lesson plans in or grades done on time and am arriving to work on time but not as I should and I definitely don't feel like I have been putting in the time and dedication that I should. 

While are bills are paid fully and timely, I feel like I haven't been doing what I should. I used to be better at budgeting and making sure to tithe my 10% to the church. I haven't tithed in a while and it shows in my finances. 

We no longer have our rabbits at home because I was not spending the time that I should giving them care. Thankfully our dog is an inside animal and can't be ignored. He is doing wonderfully and getting taken care of though I dearly wish we had the space in a vehicle to take him AND the kids to the dog park together. 

Relationships with friends are drifting. Our marriage relationship could be stronger as well.

I feel so overwhelmed at times. 

We can't even get it together to make it to church every Sunday like we used to. 

I know for a fact this is a literal attack of the enemy to keep us down. He doesn't want us to meet with other Christians, he wants to keep us in a pit of despair and loneliness.

He wants us to feel the pinch of finances, and to barely make ends meet. 

He wants me to fail at things I used to be so passionate for. 

But you know what. 

I have the God of angel armies on my side. 

This past weekend, we made it to church. 

The last couple of weeks, Travis has been able to make overtime and earn more money. 

A misstep between our mortgage company and flood insurance company was rectified. 

God is moving and showing Himself to be faithful to me, even in my moments of unfaithfulness to Him.

All I can do is take one day at a time to rectify my relationship with Christ, and what better time to do so than this holiday season.

I need to surround myself with people who will point me to Jesus and scripture. Those who will encourage me in my walk.

I need to be disciplined and read the word of God daily, and hide it in my heart.

I need to prioritize the right things in my life to help me to see the bigger picture and to find success in life.

Will this happen overnight? Of course not!

But I need to learn to allow myself some grace and realize that I can't do it all even though I want to.

But even if I don't allow myself the grace I need to, I am so glad that God gives His grace and mercy freely for those times that I don't feel as if I am enough. 

Waiting on Dreams

Have you ever felt like your life is in limbo?

Like something AMAZING is waiting just around the corner and you just can't wait for it to start! 

I have that feeling. 

It's a restless stirring in my heart to do more and be more for the kingdom of God. 

I want to inspire, I want to move, I want to rise up and help others to become all who God is calling them to  be!

Sometimes there's a problem with timing. I want those things for my life NOW while everything God is telling me is pointing to; not yet, one step at a time, you're not ready.

I asked God the other night before bed to give me direction, to tell me what I'm supposed to be doing. 

He answered alright. 

That night I dreamed I was in labor with a new little one though my now little one hadn't aged he was still only 9 months old. I never really "went into labor" but after a traumatic repeat c-section I was put into recovery and not allowed to see my baby or nurse it. No one else wondered at it, and then they sent me home empty handed. 

I wasn't sad in the dream just horribly confused, was this not my child that I had birthed? Why was I not allowed to nourish them like my heart longed to? 

Upon waking I was like, "What the heck Lord?!?!"

As I meditated on the dream it became clear that I was not able to bond, nurture or raise this "infant" because I hadn't gone through the pregnancy process or labor. 

I realized that God was telling me that my dreams and desires would be like this babe if I wasn't patient, I am willing but the timing isn't right yet. 

I feel like He was saying the hard work is pregnancy and labor not just the birthing and after if I give birth to these dreams before the time comes it will be a traumatic "birth" for it, it will taken from me and I won't be able to nurture it the way it needs to be. 

He's encouraging me to pray more, and I'll see doors open for me to begin doing what I need to. That opportunities will arise as I meditate on His word.

Also I feel like He's asking me if I want these things for the right reasons. Is it to benefit me? Or Him? 

Of course I want to answer, "It's ALL for You God!" 

But is it really? 

I want what I do to be blessed by Him but before that can happen I need to make sure I do things for the right reasons. 

So until then, I'll wait. I'll pray. I'll read scripture. I'll meditate on Him.

I'm reminded of Isaiah 40:31, which is God's promises to those who wait....

Until He opens those doors and sees me ripe for the harvest I'll wait.

I hope this encourages you to wait upon His promises for you, that you would not be discouraged when God says, "Not yet.". 

When you're ready you will be a force to be reckoned with. 

~Be Blessed~

Amber

I don't give a Gap!

Lately I've been a more aware of diet and exercise, a great thing for sure but it brings me back to a time as a teenager when I was obsessed with being thin. Thanks to good genetics I've always been thin, but there was a time when I'd eat the bare minimum for fear of gaining even an ounce. I wasn't the prettiest thing starting high school and I thought that the only thing I had going for me was being thin, so I made sure I stayed that way.

My problem wasn't just eating the bare minimum but also the WRONG things. 

Junk food is my weakness. 

However since graduating high school and college I've realized that how the world views me isn't important. What's important is the way that GOD views me. 

He made me in His image and He is perfect, so how can I be anything less?

Of course that doesn't mean we shouldn't take care of our bodies by eating right and exercising but doing so in the right way to honor the temple He has created for us. 

We can't do God's will if we are physically unfit for the task. 

I was speaking to someone recently who had the same issue as me when it comes to body image and eating. They told me that for a while they had become obsess with having a "thigh gap".

I was almost immediately was angered.

This is a thigh gap

If only girls would realize how WEAK it looks, like they'll break at any moment! Not to mention her legs probably look like a skeleton under there!

Maybe it's just me, but over the past two years I've worked out my legs so much that a thigh gap is laughable. My thighs touch, even though I'm still a healthy slim, and I'm perfectly happy with it because it's muscle and my thighs are rock hard. 

I think of it this way also, if I ever have to fight for my life strong legs without a thigh gap sure are going to help me more than stick legs!

I'd rather have thunder thighs!

The problem with this thinking and the whole thigh gap issue is that girls are thinking that being rail thin is beautiful. Ehh....nope sorry a walking skeleton is not beautiful. 

You can be thin, but doing it the healthy way and right way is what matters. 

Being strong should matter, my way of thinking has changed, for me....Strong is the New Skinny and I can't tell you how much over the past few months of working out besides running has increased my positive self image.

 No, I'm not losing weight anymore....in fact the numbers on the scale are increasing due to the muscle I'm building. And guess what...I don't give a gap about that anymore....

Being able to do more than 10 pull ups and push ups is the accomplishment I look forward to and when I know I look my best, not when I can count my ribs in the mirror or see a gap in my thighs.

It all comes down to one thing. I'd rather be fit and strong than skinny and weak.

~Amber

The Ongoing Battle

I feel like this is the story of my life since we've gotten married. 

 

Is it horrible that I am just not ready for children at the moment? I don't have a fear of them...I'm quite fond of the little ones to be honest but I feel as if I have way too much going on learning to be a good, godly wife and learning how to run my own home without the incessant neediness of children.

I think pregnant women are drop dead gorgeous! There is just something about them that makes me think of the cutest things in the world, like puppies, koalas and rainbows! 

(ok, a little dramatic with that description but it's how I feel when I see a pregnant lady!)

I feel like though I can handle the cute moments but the others...nope!

Really though, I've only been married a total of 7 months....no babies on the horizon yet and I'm totally ok with it. 

Not saying that anyone who becomes pregnant is silly or anything, I'm just enjoying being selfish and having my husband to myself, not having to call for a sitter or making plans to have the baby watched.

The funny thing is, a year ago I would have said I was ready....and now...I'm glad we decided to wait. Children are a blessing but not one I'm ready for just yet, I have a hard enough time with dinner on a regular basis :)

I think it's funny how our perspectives change. I used to think I was on this time line, like I HAVE to get pregnant after ONE year of marriage! Now I'm totally ok with 3 or 5 or 10 years....ok so maybe not 10 but I certainly won't regret the one on one time with my husband. 

I just feel like so many people, myself included, jump into things without fully thinking about what it means. I know they say you can't ever be fully ready to have a child......... 

(whoever "they" are, "they" sure have a lot of opinions about everything)

........but where I am in my life, my marriage, and my career, I feel as if I would be doing an injustice almost. 

So until I make an official announcement....no I'm not pregnant and am not trying to get pregnant. 

We'll let ya know!

In the meantime......

My Feminist Side

My sweet husband has pointed this out to me numerous times over the years and I have finally admitted it to myself.

I'm can be sort of a feminist at times.

There. I said it.

Not that I'm anti-male or think of the male  population of our species as not needed and they need to go. I love my husband a little too much to believe in that nonsense!

Nor do I think that if all women should be treated the same. Face it ladies in the feminist movement--we aren't going to be treated the same as everyone else, nor should we.

I'll probably get some flack for that but it's true. I don't, wait can't, teach each child in my classroom the same; whether male or female they are each individual people who have different needs.

However, I must say that growing up I was always given the sense of self that I didn't have to rely on a man for anything or everything in my life. A relationship with a boy did not define me, thank goodness, and I always felt that I could do anything the boys did, many times even better.

It must have something to do with being the first granddaughter born to my paternal grandparents after 12 or so grandsons. I mean, I kinda had some odds stacked against me to becoming a girly girl. For all of the hard times my cousins gave me they also instilled confidence in me and they didn't even know it. I knew I didn't have to depend on my cousins to bail me out of something because they taught me enough to get my own self out of it.

During my younger years my best friend was also a guy, we would ride our bikes to each others houses (only about half a mile or so away from each other) and play football and soccer, good times for sure, so I never really had an interest in makeup or dolls (unless they could ride a toy horse) or any of the other stuff that girls my age were supposed to be interested in.

It bored me.

Give me a toy tractor and the mud and I was good to go! I still have a love of mud that, at times, scares me as an adult.

Which brings me to a point (and all this time you thought I was just rambling!). I can be so strong willed at times that living up to my vows to honor and obey my husband can be downright hard!

It's totally not programed in my brain or genetic makeup to be calm and submissive towards a man.

I know some women don't have a problem with this while others do. I've found that it not only pertains to my relationship with my husband but with that of my Father God also.

I struggle with it so much!! I tend to think of my husband as weak in certain areas and so I then have a superiority complex about it. Not. Good.

My prayer lately is that God humble me and help me to see my husbands strengths and not to feel superior or think of him as weak in certain situations. I ask that He show me my setbacks and weaknesses, even though I would rather not remember them, in order to show me that I too am not perfect.

I've found that this way of thinking not only hurts my relationship with my sweet husband but also with God.

If I can't submit to and respect my husband majority of the time (let's face it we'll have fall outs) what makes me think I do so with God, someone who I see by faith and not by sight?

This has been a real issue in my heart. Especially since I'm a control freak. I want to have every portion of my day planned out and my husband and God just don't work that way!

I need to start trusting them and submitting to the things they know better about and not blindly take charge of things like I want to do regarldess of the consquence.

My husband only does what's best for me and God is in control of my life.

How awesome are they?

Being Who You Are

I had a student, who recently transferred into my class from California, tell me something recently that I'm all too familiar with.

"I didn't expect you to be a woman!"

As an agriculture teacher I am one of the few, but growing number of women agricultural educators in the state.

You see, traditionally the role of an agriculture teacher was reserved for men. This made sense to a lot of people as we are referred to commonly as "shop teachers" as agriculture not only encompasses the animal, plant, soil and food sciences but also carpentry and welding.

Carpentry and welding are not something that traditional female teachers taught or were wanting to teach, especially with the demanding schedule an agriculture teacher faces with being on the road a lot. You can imagine it's hard to raise a family with only a limited amount of time during the summer where we are not traveling.

Being a woman in this position I am often told that I should find a new profession, especially when children come into my life, or that a woman "shouldn't do a man's work". Statements like these kinda make you doubt the things and the work you are doing at times.

This past weekend though, during our churches annual Joie de Vivre conference, the amazing Holly Wagner stressed the importance of being who you are, and using the gifts that God has equipped you with.

Does knowing who you are and knowing your gifts completely devoid you of fear of what others say or think, or does it delete the fear of knowing that there will be many obstacles coming your way?

Of course not. 

The Bible states that there WILL be trials in our lives and that we will suffer at times, but really those moments pale in comparison to the courage our God offers to us if we worship and accept it from Him.

My problem has always been trying to toe the line between what I think people want me to be like and what I think I should be like.

I was constantly comparing myself to all of these standards that were not placed on me by my God, but by the society in which we live; the worldly opinion of the type of wife, the type of teacher and the type of woman I should be.

My amazing friend and one of the women I consider to be a big role model in how I want to live for and please God, Daphne Gaspard, preached at our women's conference on not comparing yourself to other's standards but God's.

I hadn't realized until this weekend how much I do that! Especially as an agriculture teacher. I am constantly trying to prove myself to the men in my field that I AM good enough, that I can weld, and use the cutting torch and build picnic tables with the rest of them even though they probably don't care.

I also compare myself to those of my friends who are married, have jobs and still somehow manage to keep an amazingly clean house, have delicious dinners on the table nearly every night, knit and take amazing photographs....I always wondered why I couldn't match up to that.

But the best thing is....I don't have to compare to them.

Our God, our Father, our Savior sees us as INCOMPARABLE to anyone and everyone else around us. He made each of us uniquely and gave us gifts that would benefit us alone for the assignments He has planned for us, that only we can fulfill.  

He loves each of us individually. I suppose it's like having children. If you have multiple you shouldn't love any of them less than the others but in a different way than the others because they are each individual people with their own giftings and quirks.

That's how God feels about us quirky individuals! He sees us as His sons and daughters and we are each precious to Him in our own way. He has something special planned for each and everyone of us and we have to accept the fact that we are each made differently for a different purpose.

Quick thought. The Bible states that we are made in the image of God. How amazingly diverse our Savior must be! That alone is something to worship Him for and to wonder at :)

How did they do it?

You know, I'm at a loss as to how women did it back then....you know back before the recipes.com, food network and pinterest. 

Y'all seriously....if it wouldn't be for those three things I'd be in a bind as far a cooking is concerned! My poor husband would be eating things out of cans, boxes or depend on his own self...really for me it's fend for yourself!

Suffice to say I was never one to be in the kitchen watching mom cook and helping out....no...I was more likely to follow daddy to the barn and come back with my good school shoes full of mud but a satisfied look on my face.

I'm still very hard on my shoes (Travis is making me retire my super cute black boots because I wore them in the wood shop at school and they are pretty much shot...oh well!) but I have become more creative in the kitchen lately!!

By the way...this is how now think and speak...without the grammatical errors of course...

(Who makes these things sometimes? Back to 4th grade spelling they go!)

Anywho, I digress!

Last night I made a pretty good chicken dish made with red wine vinegar, maple syrup and Dijon mustard. The author of the blog claims that it's the "world's best" but though it will probably be a repeat recipe that I use (let's face it...it's easy and pretty quick, I'm all for that!) however, I can't say that it's the best ever. You can find the recipe here! It was something different, which I like, and the flavors were interesting blended together.

Another recipe that I've tried and loved it this little gem! It's a recipe for spaghetti squash Alfredo! It's very yummy and has made me an instant fan of spaghetti squash...not sure what a spaghetti squash is? Click here and I promise you won't be disappointed! You can cook it pretty much in any recipe where regular pasta noodles are used.

If you've got any recipe's that are tried and true for this newlywed to try out on her unsuspecting husband feel free to leave a recipe for me! I look forward to trying some different things! Which reminds me....I bought more spaghetti squash to try out some different things...can't wait!!

Finally :) .....

SOOO very much has happened within the past few weeks that I didn't possibly have time to get it all down! From National FFA Convention in Indianapolis to getting married (Yes...you saw that  correctly!) to running a 10k and the upcoming Color Run with my ladies in NOLA this  coming weekend. I feel as if I have been on a huge roller coaster, a GOOD one though...with thrills and laughs and everything in between!

I figure the BIGGEST news should come first to the blog. TRAVIS AND I GOT MARRIED!!! FINALLY!!!! After 8 long years of courtship and almost 3 years of being engaged we finally tied the knot!!! 

It came as a surprise to some, mostly because we kept it a little on the down low because we kept the wedding so small. Around 20 people, immediate family, were who celebrated with us.

My "Momma Jo" took our photos the day of the wedding, she owns Photography by JoAnn Richard and did an excellent job!!

She and Mrs. Rachel Blanchard of Rachel Blanchard Photography did an AHH-MAZING job on my bridals!!!

We were married at a hall here in Lafayette, La. Lafayette Receptions and Banquets is DEFINITELY a place I would recommend to ANYONE! Mrs. Jodi Snelling and crew make you feel so at home and loved!!! It was wonderful to work with them! Y'all their food is SOO good!!! They also serve plate lunches during the week!! Check 'em out for sure!!

Another fun part was the cakes!!! The wonderful Mrs. Norma Broussard over at Cookie Express hooked a sista up with some red velvet cupcakes, Travis' awesome grooms cake and a beautifully decorated cake table :) SOOO YUMMY!!! Her red velvet cupcakes are my FAVORITE!!!

One of our favorite people in the whole entire world was able to marry us!! We prayed for a while as to WHO we would ask to marry us. We absolutely LOVE our pastors at Crossroads church but there was someone who just fit and who we wanted to be a part of our day so much that we just felt right about it. Mr. David Broussard, who is Travis' former Ag teacher and one of my Ag teacher heroes is the pastor of a church in Bayou Jaque. He's known Travis since his freshman year of high school and myself since my sophomore year. He's seen us grow together as a couple but more importantly as children of God, and that history meant so much to us!

We took the COOLEST honeymoon to Disney World!!! We were welcomed and catered to and had a blast at the parks and on the rides!

So now we are home :) residing in our new home and loving every minute of being husband and wife! I'm actually enjoying learning to cook with my hunni by my side and folding clothes isn't so daunting knowing he's right there helping :)

We are so very thankful to everyone who has been there for us and believed in us every step of the way! We love you all!!