Breaking Out of the Fog

Have you ever driven on a foggy morning or night and thought to yourself, I wish I could just break through it and SEE again!

That's what life has been like the last two years for me. Some call it PPD, some baby blues, and others just a part of life with two young kids. 

Either way, I rebuke this fog over my life. 

It's been clouding my judgement and causing me not to be able to see where my life is going or how I'll make it to my next destination. 

I am finally coming out of that fog and it is like a breath of fresh air! As if I'm seeing the sunlight again for the first time in such a very long time. 

I am starting to enjoy life again. 

Now this doesn't mean I am out of the woods or that I won't ever become depressed again. But now that I know to recognize these things in my life I can better be prepared to handle them. 

I've always been a hermit in life, I'd rather stay home and read a book than go to a party or whatnot, but now I'm finally starting to get out more and do things and it's exhilarating. 

I've become confident taking two children to the store with me and not having extreme anxiety at the thought of it. 

What's the difference? I think it's a combination of time and God's unending love and grace. 

God didn't expect me to be ok or to act as I had previously. He just enveloped me into His embrace and loved me through it all. He waited on me to turn to Him and to accept His help. 

I think that's what gets me the most, asking for help. I've never been one to ask for help even when struggling in school. So I definitely wasn't going to ask for help for my mental health from anyone. 

But God, oh but God.

He waited so very patiently for me, my walls crumbled, I cried out and He listened. He helped, and He sent people to help me in the form of friends who took an interest and just asked, "How are you?" and prompting more than just an "I'm fine" and moving on. They saw through me and were able to have deep conversations that helped me on the path to healing. 

Extremely few knew the struggle I was going through. The mental toll. Even though some may have thought I was going through something, they dismissed it, because they didn't understand it. And since they didn't understand it, or the fact that I wasn't presenting it in the normal way, it didn't exist to them.

I don't blame them. Mental illness and depression is so taboo in our society. It's rarely understood. 

Mental health needs to be a priority in our lives. 

If you or someone you know is dealing with depression or mental illness, talk. 

It might not seem like much but having someone just listen, and not think that you're crazy, is one of the best therapies. If you need therapy, seek it. Take advantage of it. 

Above all, seek God and lay in His promises. He has a plan and a purpose for you. He will heal you, and you are loved.

The Hard Seasons....

There are moments in life when you look around and think to yourself, "Who have I become?". One minute you recognize that face in the mirror, the one who has it all together and grabs life by the horns and the next you don't even recognize the person staring back at you. 

Motherhood and life has changed me like that. 

I love my children with all of my heart and do not regret one moment of having them, bringing them into this life, or loving them. They are mine and I am theirs. 

But here I am, sitting here, wondering where in the world that woman who had it all together is. 

I know that mainly my troubles stem from neglecting my relationship with God. From there it's been a domino effect where everything else in my life, besides my children's well being, has been neglected. 

I'm not getting my lesson plans in or grades done on time and am arriving to work on time but not as I should and I definitely don't feel like I have been putting in the time and dedication that I should. 

While are bills are paid fully and timely, I feel like I haven't been doing what I should. I used to be better at budgeting and making sure to tithe my 10% to the church. I haven't tithed in a while and it shows in my finances. 

We no longer have our rabbits at home because I was not spending the time that I should giving them care. Thankfully our dog is an inside animal and can't be ignored. He is doing wonderfully and getting taken care of though I dearly wish we had the space in a vehicle to take him AND the kids to the dog park together. 

Relationships with friends are drifting. Our marriage relationship could be stronger as well.

I feel so overwhelmed at times. 

We can't even get it together to make it to church every Sunday like we used to. 

I know for a fact this is a literal attack of the enemy to keep us down. He doesn't want us to meet with other Christians, he wants to keep us in a pit of despair and loneliness.

He wants us to feel the pinch of finances, and to barely make ends meet. 

He wants me to fail at things I used to be so passionate for. 

But you know what. 

I have the God of angel armies on my side. 

This past weekend, we made it to church. 

The last couple of weeks, Travis has been able to make overtime and earn more money. 

A misstep between our mortgage company and flood insurance company was rectified. 

God is moving and showing Himself to be faithful to me, even in my moments of unfaithfulness to Him.

All I can do is take one day at a time to rectify my relationship with Christ, and what better time to do so than this holiday season.

I need to surround myself with people who will point me to Jesus and scripture. Those who will encourage me in my walk.

I need to be disciplined and read the word of God daily, and hide it in my heart.

I need to prioritize the right things in my life to help me to see the bigger picture and to find success in life.

Will this happen overnight? Of course not!

But I need to learn to allow myself some grace and realize that I can't do it all even though I want to.

But even if I don't allow myself the grace I need to, I am so glad that God gives His grace and mercy freely for those times that I don't feel as if I am enough. 

Waiting on Dreams

Have you ever felt like your life is in limbo?

Like something AMAZING is waiting just around the corner and you just can't wait for it to start! 

I have that feeling. 

It's a restless stirring in my heart to do more and be more for the kingdom of God. 

I want to inspire, I want to move, I want to rise up and help others to become all who God is calling them to  be!

Sometimes there's a problem with timing. I want those things for my life NOW while everything God is telling me is pointing to; not yet, one step at a time, you're not ready.

I asked God the other night before bed to give me direction, to tell me what I'm supposed to be doing. 

He answered alright. 

That night I dreamed I was in labor with a new little one though my now little one hadn't aged he was still only 9 months old. I never really "went into labor" but after a traumatic repeat c-section I was put into recovery and not allowed to see my baby or nurse it. No one else wondered at it, and then they sent me home empty handed. 

I wasn't sad in the dream just horribly confused, was this not my child that I had birthed? Why was I not allowed to nourish them like my heart longed to? 

Upon waking I was like, "What the heck Lord?!?!"

As I meditated on the dream it became clear that I was not able to bond, nurture or raise this "infant" because I hadn't gone through the pregnancy process or labor. 

I realized that God was telling me that my dreams and desires would be like this babe if I wasn't patient, I am willing but the timing isn't right yet. 

I feel like He was saying the hard work is pregnancy and labor not just the birthing and after if I give birth to these dreams before the time comes it will be a traumatic "birth" for it, it will taken from me and I won't be able to nurture it the way it needs to be. 

He's encouraging me to pray more, and I'll see doors open for me to begin doing what I need to. That opportunities will arise as I meditate on His word.

Also I feel like He's asking me if I want these things for the right reasons. Is it to benefit me? Or Him? 

Of course I want to answer, "It's ALL for You God!" 

But is it really? 

I want what I do to be blessed by Him but before that can happen I need to make sure I do things for the right reasons. 

So until then, I'll wait. I'll pray. I'll read scripture. I'll meditate on Him.

I'm reminded of Isaiah 40:31, which is God's promises to those who wait....

Until He opens those doors and sees me ripe for the harvest I'll wait.

I hope this encourages you to wait upon His promises for you, that you would not be discouraged when God says, "Not yet.". 

When you're ready you will be a force to be reckoned with. 

~Be Blessed~

Amber

That Feeling....

Ever had one of those seasons in your life where you feel so restless that your about to come out of your skin?

I feel like God is going to do something HUGE in my life soon, I have no idea what it is or where it will be, but I dearly hope it's soon because this restless feeling is making me crazy!

Perhaps I have wanderlust....in case you don't know what that is here's the definition.

I'm trying to trust God in this season and see what He brings to me and honor Him with it however...I just can't help but want to jump in and just figure it out.

I want this crazy feeling to end and I want to know what it is I am supposed to do, or see, or who I need to speak to.

I swear if I weren't nursing a running injury I would run and run and run some more until I dropped from being dead tired. THAT'S how restless I have been.

It's nuts really.

Has anyone else felt this way? I can't be the only one.

It's making me question just about everything! My career choice, where I live, the things I spend my time on. The only things that haven't been questioned is my marriage and my faith.

I need to calm down and let God do His thing. I KNOW He won't steer me wrong. I just wish He'd hurry up and tell me what I'm supposed to be doing.

Soo Busy!

I've been so darn busy lately that I think if it were possible, my head would be spinning!

Y'all seriously, between home duties and school duties, trying to make it to church, trying to find time to run and just having nights with friends things are getting hectic (so glad right now that children are not part of the equation)!

Add to that the fact that I haven't been 100% healthy for about 3 weeks now (sinuses, sore throat, loss of voice...you name it!)

Just yesterday I was out with our livestock judging team to the Area III FFA contest in Lake Charles. A fun day for teachers and students to practice what they've learned....but alas...it could not go without a hitch. For the minute the boys and I closed the door to my truck...I got that sinking feeling....you know....the one that says...oh my goodness....did I just lock my keys in my truck?

Yeap.....I did. ::sigh:: at least there was an awesome police officer near by who helped me out for free! Saved me a call and some money to Pop-a-lock!

With these next two months comes a whole lot of judging practices, from landscape and nursery to meat identification to dairy judging....pretty much every day after school and a few contests in between as well as a half marathon I'll still be somewhat of a busy bee!

On a side note...Jedi is now two days in a row of being accident free while we are at work! Let's see how the rest of the week goes!!!

Great....just realized I forgot my purse at home...::sigh::