There are moments in life when you look around and think to yourself, "Who have I become?". One minute you recognize that face in the mirror, the one who has it all together and grabs life by the horns and the next you don't even recognize the person staring back at you.
Motherhood and life has changed me like that.
I love my children with all of my heart and do not regret one moment of having them, bringing them into this life, or loving them. They are mine and I am theirs.
But here I am, sitting here, wondering where in the world that woman who had it all together is.
I know that mainly my troubles stem from neglecting my relationship with God. From there it's been a domino effect where everything else in my life, besides my children's well being, has been neglected.
I'm not getting my lesson plans in or grades done on time and am arriving to work on time but not as I should and I definitely don't feel like I have been putting in the time and dedication that I should.
While are bills are paid fully and timely, I feel like I haven't been doing what I should. I used to be better at budgeting and making sure to tithe my 10% to the church. I haven't tithed in a while and it shows in my finances.
We no longer have our rabbits at home because I was not spending the time that I should giving them care. Thankfully our dog is an inside animal and can't be ignored. He is doing wonderfully and getting taken care of though I dearly wish we had the space in a vehicle to take him AND the kids to the dog park together.
Relationships with friends are drifting. Our marriage relationship could be stronger as well.
I feel so overwhelmed at times.
We can't even get it together to make it to church every Sunday like we used to.
I know for a fact this is a literal attack of the enemy to keep us down. He doesn't want us to meet with other Christians, he wants to keep us in a pit of despair and loneliness.
He wants us to feel the pinch of finances, and to barely make ends meet.
He wants me to fail at things I used to be so passionate for.
But you know what.
I have the God of angel armies on my side.
This past weekend, we made it to church.
The last couple of weeks, Travis has been able to make overtime and earn more money.
A misstep between our mortgage company and flood insurance company was rectified.
God is moving and showing Himself to be faithful to me, even in my moments of unfaithfulness to Him.
I need to surround myself with people who will point me to Jesus and scripture. Those who will encourage me in my walk.
I need to be disciplined and read the word of God daily, and hide it in my heart.
I need to prioritize the right things in my life to help me to see the bigger picture and to find success in life.
Will this happen overnight? Of course not!
But I need to learn to allow myself some grace and realize that I can't do it all even though I want to.
But even if I don't allow myself the grace I need to, I am so glad that God gives His grace and mercy freely for those times that I don't feel as if I am enough.
