Breaking Out of the Fog

Have you ever driven on a foggy morning or night and thought to yourself, I wish I could just break through it and SEE again!

That's what life has been like the last two years for me. Some call it PPD, some baby blues, and others just a part of life with two young kids. 

Either way, I rebuke this fog over my life. 

It's been clouding my judgement and causing me not to be able to see where my life is going or how I'll make it to my next destination. 

I am finally coming out of that fog and it is like a breath of fresh air! As if I'm seeing the sunlight again for the first time in such a very long time. 

I am starting to enjoy life again. 

Now this doesn't mean I am out of the woods or that I won't ever become depressed again. But now that I know to recognize these things in my life I can better be prepared to handle them. 

I've always been a hermit in life, I'd rather stay home and read a book than go to a party or whatnot, but now I'm finally starting to get out more and do things and it's exhilarating. 

I've become confident taking two children to the store with me and not having extreme anxiety at the thought of it. 

What's the difference? I think it's a combination of time and God's unending love and grace. 

God didn't expect me to be ok or to act as I had previously. He just enveloped me into His embrace and loved me through it all. He waited on me to turn to Him and to accept His help. 

I think that's what gets me the most, asking for help. I've never been one to ask for help even when struggling in school. So I definitely wasn't going to ask for help for my mental health from anyone. 

But God, oh but God.

He waited so very patiently for me, my walls crumbled, I cried out and He listened. He helped, and He sent people to help me in the form of friends who took an interest and just asked, "How are you?" and prompting more than just an "I'm fine" and moving on. They saw through me and were able to have deep conversations that helped me on the path to healing. 

Extremely few knew the struggle I was going through. The mental toll. Even though some may have thought I was going through something, they dismissed it, because they didn't understand it. And since they didn't understand it, or the fact that I wasn't presenting it in the normal way, it didn't exist to them.

I don't blame them. Mental illness and depression is so taboo in our society. It's rarely understood. 

Mental health needs to be a priority in our lives. 

If you or someone you know is dealing with depression or mental illness, talk. 

It might not seem like much but having someone just listen, and not think that you're crazy, is one of the best therapies. If you need therapy, seek it. Take advantage of it. 

Above all, seek God and lay in His promises. He has a plan and a purpose for you. He will heal you, and you are loved.

When the Warrior is Battle Weary

We've all, at one point or another, in our lives called ourselves warriors, or have had someone refer to us as warrior. 

As flattering as it may seem to some, being a warrior is HARD. 

I've always seen myself as a strong individual. I mean was out there breaking gender stereotypes before it was cool to do so!

 However, since becoming a Christ-follower I've learned that being a warrior of God is a whole other battleground. One that will wreck you and make you look at the harshest realities of your life and help you to bring out the best in yourself, while recognizing the worst and being healed from it. 

The problem with being a warrior though, is that you're a target. In battle the strongest, and smartest warriors were taken down first. Why? Because they helped to lead the others to greatness.

God has created in all of us a fierce warrior. One who can lead multitudes to greatness. One who can rise above and become all that He has called us to be and more. 

But sometimes. 

We get weary.

That's where I am at now. I had such a zeal and zest for the Lord for such a long time. And now I feel myself waning.

 I was down, and I was comfortable being down. The enemy does not come after a downed warrior who is too weak to pick themselves up. And so I was safe. I was complacent. 

But now, I feel my Lord calling to me. Blowing His horn of salvation once more into my life. I am struggling to stand. I am shaking under the weight of my armor. 

The enemy has noticed my attempts to rally myself and is now attacking with more ferociousness and hate than ever before.

I am weary.

I am physically and mentally exhausted. 

There are days when it's all I can do to get through the day without breaking down.

But I know that my God ultimately wins this war. 

He will sustain me. 

Last night, as I cried out to Him, I felt Him become the proverbial rock on which I can lean. He sent me help in the form of a warrior brother in Christ whose only question was, "How can I help?"  

I can now straighten my armor, I can sharpen my sword of His truth and get up and try again. 

You see, this is what separates the warriors from others.

 We get back up. 

We lean on our General (God) and on our brother and sister warriors who are there to help us. 

I am now in training. Training to bring myself back up to where I was. Training to not let the enemy overwhelm me, and training to learn how to use the weapons I was equipped with wisely. 

Brothers and sisters, at points in our lives we are all battle weary warriors. We feel suppressed under the weight of the world and the lies and tricks of the enemy. 

Take heart! For we are not in this alone. 

We have been called for a purpose. 

".....but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." Isaiah 40:31

He will not leave or forsake us in the valley, but rather walk with us in those times and wait for us to look to Him for our sustenance and strength. 

We also need to also look at our fellow soldiers and pray for them. We don't know what they are walking through, or what is weighing down on their armor. 

We need to let them know we love them and that we are hear to help share the burden and to help pray a hedge of protection around them and point them towards our Mighty General, so that they might be renewed also.

The Hard Seasons....

There are moments in life when you look around and think to yourself, "Who have I become?". One minute you recognize that face in the mirror, the one who has it all together and grabs life by the horns and the next you don't even recognize the person staring back at you. 

Motherhood and life has changed me like that. 

I love my children with all of my heart and do not regret one moment of having them, bringing them into this life, or loving them. They are mine and I am theirs. 

But here I am, sitting here, wondering where in the world that woman who had it all together is. 

I know that mainly my troubles stem from neglecting my relationship with God. From there it's been a domino effect where everything else in my life, besides my children's well being, has been neglected. 

I'm not getting my lesson plans in or grades done on time and am arriving to work on time but not as I should and I definitely don't feel like I have been putting in the time and dedication that I should. 

While are bills are paid fully and timely, I feel like I haven't been doing what I should. I used to be better at budgeting and making sure to tithe my 10% to the church. I haven't tithed in a while and it shows in my finances. 

We no longer have our rabbits at home because I was not spending the time that I should giving them care. Thankfully our dog is an inside animal and can't be ignored. He is doing wonderfully and getting taken care of though I dearly wish we had the space in a vehicle to take him AND the kids to the dog park together. 

Relationships with friends are drifting. Our marriage relationship could be stronger as well.

I feel so overwhelmed at times. 

We can't even get it together to make it to church every Sunday like we used to. 

I know for a fact this is a literal attack of the enemy to keep us down. He doesn't want us to meet with other Christians, he wants to keep us in a pit of despair and loneliness.

He wants us to feel the pinch of finances, and to barely make ends meet. 

He wants me to fail at things I used to be so passionate for. 

But you know what. 

I have the God of angel armies on my side. 

This past weekend, we made it to church. 

The last couple of weeks, Travis has been able to make overtime and earn more money. 

A misstep between our mortgage company and flood insurance company was rectified. 

God is moving and showing Himself to be faithful to me, even in my moments of unfaithfulness to Him.

All I can do is take one day at a time to rectify my relationship with Christ, and what better time to do so than this holiday season.

I need to surround myself with people who will point me to Jesus and scripture. Those who will encourage me in my walk.

I need to be disciplined and read the word of God daily, and hide it in my heart.

I need to prioritize the right things in my life to help me to see the bigger picture and to find success in life.

Will this happen overnight? Of course not!

But I need to learn to allow myself some grace and realize that I can't do it all even though I want to.

But even if I don't allow myself the grace I need to, I am so glad that God gives His grace and mercy freely for those times that I don't feel as if I am enough. 

The Undisciplined Me....

Why hello there all! 

I must say that I have heavily neglected this blog for far too long. 

Isn't that just like me though. It takes discipline to stay on top of things such as reading my bible, keeping a good schedule, cleaning reliably, planning and sticking to outings. 

I find that I am lacking discipline all too much in my life. 

With, now, two children I'm finding myself needing to be more organized, disciplined and intentional in all that I do. 

I so don't want to be. 

I love being a spur of the moment kind of gal. The, "Hey, lets pack up and go do something!" kind of person. 

But I'm finding more and more that my current season of life is not conducive to that type of lifestyle. I need to plan things out carefully and live each day purposefully and intentionally. 

I read something recently while completing some reading for the bible/book study we are currently doing at church. The quote said, "When you kill time, remember that it has no resurrection" - A.W. Tozer

How true is that?!?!?

We constantly fill our lives up with meaningless fluff and our time dies. It can't come back. We can't get that coffee date back, or that play time with the kids. 

So how do we battle this enemy of time? 

By becoming disciplined.

We so often see discipline as a dirty word, one that has a negative connotation. However, it truly is not. It can be but the root of the word discipline means training that produces obedience or self control. We need to discipline our minds when it comes to the things we do, the movies we watch, the music we listen to and even the books we read. 

We are born sinners who are truly undisciplined but I believe that with some help from the big guy upstairs and a willing heart we can change ourselves to become disciplined. 

I plan on starting a checklist of things I need to get done throughout the day and see exactly where I could free up some time that I've been wasting to pursue things that really mean something. I mean, do I really need to spend that 10 min looking on my phone, browsing social media? Absolutely not. 

Hopefully I can hold myself accountable to this task, if not I'll ask others to help, having accountability partners is so important and helpful!

So with that, I'm signing off to look for new lessons for the coming week for my students.

Be Blessed!   

Waiting on Dreams

Have you ever felt like your life is in limbo?

Like something AMAZING is waiting just around the corner and you just can't wait for it to start! 

I have that feeling. 

It's a restless stirring in my heart to do more and be more for the kingdom of God. 

I want to inspire, I want to move, I want to rise up and help others to become all who God is calling them to  be!

Sometimes there's a problem with timing. I want those things for my life NOW while everything God is telling me is pointing to; not yet, one step at a time, you're not ready.

I asked God the other night before bed to give me direction, to tell me what I'm supposed to be doing. 

He answered alright. 

That night I dreamed I was in labor with a new little one though my now little one hadn't aged he was still only 9 months old. I never really "went into labor" but after a traumatic repeat c-section I was put into recovery and not allowed to see my baby or nurse it. No one else wondered at it, and then they sent me home empty handed. 

I wasn't sad in the dream just horribly confused, was this not my child that I had birthed? Why was I not allowed to nourish them like my heart longed to? 

Upon waking I was like, "What the heck Lord?!?!"

As I meditated on the dream it became clear that I was not able to bond, nurture or raise this "infant" because I hadn't gone through the pregnancy process or labor. 

I realized that God was telling me that my dreams and desires would be like this babe if I wasn't patient, I am willing but the timing isn't right yet. 

I feel like He was saying the hard work is pregnancy and labor not just the birthing and after if I give birth to these dreams before the time comes it will be a traumatic "birth" for it, it will taken from me and I won't be able to nurture it the way it needs to be. 

He's encouraging me to pray more, and I'll see doors open for me to begin doing what I need to. That opportunities will arise as I meditate on His word.

Also I feel like He's asking me if I want these things for the right reasons. Is it to benefit me? Or Him? 

Of course I want to answer, "It's ALL for You God!" 

But is it really? 

I want what I do to be blessed by Him but before that can happen I need to make sure I do things for the right reasons. 

So until then, I'll wait. I'll pray. I'll read scripture. I'll meditate on Him.

I'm reminded of Isaiah 40:31, which is God's promises to those who wait....

Until He opens those doors and sees me ripe for the harvest I'll wait.

I hope this encourages you to wait upon His promises for you, that you would not be discouraged when God says, "Not yet.". 

When you're ready you will be a force to be reckoned with. 

~Be Blessed~

Amber

I don't give a Gap!

Lately I've been a more aware of diet and exercise, a great thing for sure but it brings me back to a time as a teenager when I was obsessed with being thin. Thanks to good genetics I've always been thin, but there was a time when I'd eat the bare minimum for fear of gaining even an ounce. I wasn't the prettiest thing starting high school and I thought that the only thing I had going for me was being thin, so I made sure I stayed that way.

My problem wasn't just eating the bare minimum but also the WRONG things. 

Junk food is my weakness. 

However since graduating high school and college I've realized that how the world views me isn't important. What's important is the way that GOD views me. 

He made me in His image and He is perfect, so how can I be anything less?

Of course that doesn't mean we shouldn't take care of our bodies by eating right and exercising but doing so in the right way to honor the temple He has created for us. 

We can't do God's will if we are physically unfit for the task. 

I was speaking to someone recently who had the same issue as me when it comes to body image and eating. They told me that for a while they had become obsess with having a "thigh gap".

I was almost immediately was angered.

This is a thigh gap

If only girls would realize how WEAK it looks, like they'll break at any moment! Not to mention her legs probably look like a skeleton under there!

Maybe it's just me, but over the past two years I've worked out my legs so much that a thigh gap is laughable. My thighs touch, even though I'm still a healthy slim, and I'm perfectly happy with it because it's muscle and my thighs are rock hard. 

I think of it this way also, if I ever have to fight for my life strong legs without a thigh gap sure are going to help me more than stick legs!

I'd rather have thunder thighs!

The problem with this thinking and the whole thigh gap issue is that girls are thinking that being rail thin is beautiful. Ehh....nope sorry a walking skeleton is not beautiful. 

You can be thin, but doing it the healthy way and right way is what matters. 

Being strong should matter, my way of thinking has changed, for me....Strong is the New Skinny and I can't tell you how much over the past few months of working out besides running has increased my positive self image.

 No, I'm not losing weight anymore....in fact the numbers on the scale are increasing due to the muscle I'm building. And guess what...I don't give a gap about that anymore....

Being able to do more than 10 pull ups and push ups is the accomplishment I look forward to and when I know I look my best, not when I can count my ribs in the mirror or see a gap in my thighs.

It all comes down to one thing. I'd rather be fit and strong than skinny and weak.

~Amber

The Ongoing Battle

I feel like this is the story of my life since we've gotten married. 

 

Is it horrible that I am just not ready for children at the moment? I don't have a fear of them...I'm quite fond of the little ones to be honest but I feel as if I have way too much going on learning to be a good, godly wife and learning how to run my own home without the incessant neediness of children.

I think pregnant women are drop dead gorgeous! There is just something about them that makes me think of the cutest things in the world, like puppies, koalas and rainbows! 

(ok, a little dramatic with that description but it's how I feel when I see a pregnant lady!)

I feel like though I can handle the cute moments but the others...nope!

Really though, I've only been married a total of 7 months....no babies on the horizon yet and I'm totally ok with it. 

Not saying that anyone who becomes pregnant is silly or anything, I'm just enjoying being selfish and having my husband to myself, not having to call for a sitter or making plans to have the baby watched.

The funny thing is, a year ago I would have said I was ready....and now...I'm glad we decided to wait. Children are a blessing but not one I'm ready for just yet, I have a hard enough time with dinner on a regular basis :)

I think it's funny how our perspectives change. I used to think I was on this time line, like I HAVE to get pregnant after ONE year of marriage! Now I'm totally ok with 3 or 5 or 10 years....ok so maybe not 10 but I certainly won't regret the one on one time with my husband. 

I just feel like so many people, myself included, jump into things without fully thinking about what it means. I know they say you can't ever be fully ready to have a child......... 

(whoever "they" are, "they" sure have a lot of opinions about everything)

........but where I am in my life, my marriage, and my career, I feel as if I would be doing an injustice almost. 

So until I make an official announcement....no I'm not pregnant and am not trying to get pregnant. 

We'll let ya know!

In the meantime......